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Thread: Belle's public private diary

  1. #1
    Staff Sergeant BluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forums BluegrassBelle's Avatar
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    Belle's public private diary

    25 days left until I am behind schedule on my manuscript. 25 days until my agent calls to check in and I have to be back to work by then. I know this. Yet I am not doing it. I have not put words on page in a week now. I swear to God it's like each day I breathe in more of this Washington air and it stagnates within me, leaving me vaguely depleted and gasping for air. I feel choked and cut off from something that I need within me, something that I left in the South... Maybe I should leave for Kentucky early. Maybe I'm not as good as advertised, maybe it was just a fluke that I did well writing the pieces I wrote, I don't know my confidence is eroded for the time being.

    Clint called and woke me up this morning. He asked me if I still didn't want Brian to come to the birthday party they are planning for me. I didn't know what to say, I mean if someone is throwing a party for you do you get to be the end all decision maker for the guest list? I could hear my grandmother in the back of my mind admonishing me for being snobby so I told him yes. I mean really what do I have against Brian other than he makes me feel weird. We are going to go down to Lake Barkley for four days and celebrate my birth, and drink, and watch football, the same thing as always I guess. I'm nervous I just hope there are no fights and no scandals come to light that weekend. It will be nice to be with the clique again. I talk to them all the time but this is the longest I have been gone from KY in a stretch so the reunion will be a joyous one.

    I wanted to tell Clint about my writing. I just wanted to blurt out all the apprehension and hesitation that is swirling around me this month but I didn't. I don't want people I know to read my writing, I can't be free to write if I know that they are all reading looking for themselves in my characters. Especially since they are likely to find themselves. It's just so private for me, my writing needs to be separate from the people I know. I realized I should probably feel guilty because I would rather talk to Clint about it than my own hubs but eh I've known Clint longer. I think my fathers hate of hubs is just making me question things to much.

    Daddy wants me to move into the big house with him and mama but there is no way, I will be fine in the managers house. My mother would rather have a rabid dog in the house than me anyway. We competed for 20 years I don't feel like restarting the competition for another round. She is leaving for Destin for my birthday. I cracked up when Mimi told me, I don't know why my mother is so different from my grandmother, but I am glad that Mimi is on my side. Mother also ran off another laundry lady so she has been paying some girl who's dad works on the farm to do it. I wanted to scream I mean how much laundry can two people make. I'm just afraid of what happens when we are on the same 1000 acres again. Maybe I should move onto the tobacco farm in the other county

    I haven't felt good all day. I just can't shut down and go to sleep. I feel like a engine that is being revved. I can see the road ahead of me but I am not going anywhere.

    BB

  2. #2
    God...Family...UK SkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forumsSkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forumsSkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forumsSkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forumsSkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forumsSkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forumsSkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forumsSkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forumsSkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forumsSkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forumsSkyAntoine has a great deal of respect on the forums SkyAntoine's Avatar
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    Re: Belle's public private diary

    Feel free to write away here, BB. Deep down most posters enjoy penning their thoughts or this place would be filled with a lot of "LOL" and "you wish..." posts.

    I look forward to getting a glimpse inside your head. You are interesting to say the least.
    "They had it before you, they had it during you, they'll have it when you're gone"...." - Al McGuire on Kentucky Basketball Tradition
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

  3. #3
    2nd Lieutenant swampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forumsswampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forumsswampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forumsswampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forumsswampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forumsswampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forumsswampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forumsswampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forumsswampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forumsswampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forumsswampmonster has a great deal of respect on the forums swampmonster's Avatar
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    Re: Belle's public private diary

    Sounds like a soap opera.


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    Re: Belle's public private diary

    I'm interested now. Keep writing.

  5. #5
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    Re: Belle's public private diary

    You have an agent? What do you do?

  6. #6
    Staff Sergeant BluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forums BluegrassBelle's Avatar
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    Re: Belle's public private diary

    Restless. The house is quiet and the room is dark but I feel like I am burning up. These past three days have been so hazy like I am in suspended animation. It's slow and never changing. I see the sun rise and I see the sun set but I haven't felt like a day has passed since Thursday.

    Thursday. It was like something entered my body and began to slowly constrict my lungs, and bruise my heart. I almost feel like I can touch this weight that I feel on my chest.

    Maybe it's just gravity. The gravity of leaving. Leaving the world, the strangers, the new places. To go back to home, to family, to legacies and generations of cultures and ideals that shaped me. I left there because of the constriction. I felt like if I stayed one more day I would be gasping for air. Gasping my last breath before I faded into sameness and did the things that a girl like me was supposed to do. But right now I feel like I would walk barefoot over glass to just breathe in the scent of night air rolling across a field.

    I'm afraid though. Will I become like the rest of the girls in my circle. Happy to be on the path set before me. Happy to be rich, happy to be told what to do, to follow the pattern of Daddy's house to Sorority house to Husband's house, happy to ignore things that matter, happy to serve, happy to be attached to power but never wielding it. The country club and cocktail parties. Is that what I miss? The security of knowing your place, and knowing that you are moving thorough life on the path carved out for you. I hope that isn't what I miss. I don't want to go back to being insulated, but I know that insulation is exactly what I need right now.

    I had a beautiful dream last night. It was just a memory replaying in my mind of when I was younger. Every spring I would wait until the cherry blossoms bloomed and I would climb under them and lie on the ground listening to the bees buzz from bloom to bloom. And when a breeze would blow through the branches the petals would come off and blow across your skin, and the air would be filled with the sweetest scent. It made me feel like I had been returned to the Earth and everything in my existence was in the sound of the bees wings, and the warm grass under my skin, and my identity was hinged on each breath of the air that filled me with it's sweet petaled scent.

    I don't tell my people that. I don't think they would understand. They aren't the barefoot type. I wonder why I am. I feel bonded to the land, it is a part of me. I know it is, but I don't know if that is normal. Is it okay to feel love for land? To feel that being back there is as necessary as air? Sometimes I think I'm crazy...I can hear my Great Aunt scolding my mother that allowing me to run wild on the farm would ruin me for life, maybe she was right lol.

    The phone has been non-stop today, I guess word is out that I am really going to move back. I guess I didn't realize that people missed me as much as it seems they did. I mean you know people tell you how much they miss you but I just figured it was more cordial than real feeling. I never lost touch with my group, (not that it is even possible considering our parents are all friends anyway) but I'm just surprised by their reaction and excitement that I am going back to KY for good. I am really flattered but at the same time frightened that I won't be able to hide the parts of me that have changed.

    My sweet puppy is desperate for me to play with her I am not sad tonight, the hubs is gone and I have some time to myself. He is still unhappy about me leaving but he understands the fact that it isn't his choice. It's selfish of me but I am unwilling to sacrifice myself for him. My love for him isn't stronger than my love for me. That isn't a nice thought and it isn't something that you are supposed to feel but it's better to be honest with yourself than to be vague. Pupkins is giving me her Oscar worthy sad puppy face so I must say good night.

    f250, I write and my agent is a literary agent who is the middle man in between me and the publisher's.

    Thank you for the kind words guys, I am surprised anyone bothered to read my thoughts. I really appreciate the feedback!

  7. #7
    Staff Sergeant BluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forums BluegrassBelle's Avatar
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    Re: Belle's public private diary

    Quote Originally Posted by swampmonster View Post
    Sounds like a soap opera.

    All I need is an evil twin and we will have one.

  8. #8
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    Re: Belle's public private diary

    what do you write? I wanna read it

  9. #9
    Staff Sergeant BluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forums BluegrassBelle's Avatar
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    Re: Belle's public private diary

    I was working with my friend on her manuscript today and I did a free write for her about my nervousness and inappropriate laughter during religious occasions. This is what I came up with. I am not sure my experience is valid considering I was a protestant in a Catholic setting so likely the newness exacerbated the rapid onset of giggles my friends would dissolve into. It doesn't explain why my very Catholic friends still experienced the 'inappropriate church behaviour problem.'

    I just wanted to share a few of my memories and see how they read to someone else. Before I finish my thought collecting.


    We were watching a documentary in History class one day and they were discussing the passing of laws that forced business to make their stores accessible to the disabled. Well the narrator said something like: "Four people, their wheelchairs overturned, some missing limbs, old and young next to one another asking for help..." My friend turned around to me and deadpanned "That reminds me of my first sexual experience" I lost it and couldn't control my laughter, and ended up having to come after school to wash the whiteboards. Well once the friend realized he had this ticket to making me laugh continued to use it against me, to the point that now all someone has to do is interject that sentence into even the most mundane situations and I will lose it. This led to many inappropriate church situations, the bible and prayer lend itself well to innuendo.

    Juvenile graffiti it started out small with just a few of my friends who would try to get each other in trouble by putting the most vile porn in each others backpacks and books hoping that they will fall out at the wrong moment. This led to an all war of Penis's and dirty cartoons being drawn on everything from school books to faces to homework. It still continues till today, and I still find it hilarious. Even though I am way to old to still be doing that stuff. I think the constant sight of cartoon penis's caused may have stunted my ability to appreciate fine art. And defiled many a religious textbook.

    I was sitting in school mass with my boyfriend and our friends one day and we had just got a new priest who was German and had a very thick accent. He was also anciently old. And he wanted us to listen to some chanting and think about our lives. So we sat and listened and about five minutes passed before I started to realize that this guy must be asleep. So we were whispering a little back and forth and one guy said to my boyfriend "man I don't need to sit here and listen to all this moaning I hear that every night from your girl." So I just laughed and before we could say anything back, this very Catholic very pious girl turned around and said with the meanest face I have ever seen. "Please keep your disgusting tales of fornication in your own sinning mouth's. God is sorry he sent his son to die for flesh lovers like you, so please shut up and don't inflict your stories of sin upon the righteous." And then she drew her face into a look of shame, shook her head and turned around. Leaving me speechless. Well of course HS being the way it is a bunch of my friends started doing stuff just to get her mad, until eventually as communion rolled around my boyfriend remarked. "Sweet. Roofies and Wine." This is all that goes through my head when I see the blessing of the host begin.

    A Catholic education? We had to take a religion class about sexual mores and parenting. I hated the teacher who taught this class she was one of the I holier than thou types, so we didn't get along. Well we got those realistic type baby dolls as a assignment. I wanted to just take a zero because I had no intention of carrying around a doll for some wacko woman who promoted abstinence as the only form of birth control. So I told her this and she said "to bad BB maybe this will help you realize that sinful choices can lead to unwanted repercussions". I replied " No ma'am any sinful choices I make will lead me straight to planned parenthood to get them to crank up the old shop vac for a deep cleaning." I was being a smart ass but she couldn't see the humor so she hauled me down to the dean where she started to tell him that, "My words were like another spear being plunged into Jesus on the cross, and I had an incurable heathenism that knew no bounds" He listened to her story and told her to go back to class he would take care of it. He told me to quit stirring her up because women who have had hysterectomies tend toward hysterics She still hates me to this day!

    She also taught us these gems: "Condoms cause Cancer." "Birth control is just daily abortion." "Condoms only work 30% of the time." "If a woman is raped she can't be allowed to abort just because it would be mentally hard for her to be pregnant. Because once she sees the baby she wouldn't care about the rape anymore. Making rape victims keep their babies will help them heal." Oh Gosh she was crazy.

    (for the record and before Swamp jumps on me I wouldn't really have an abortion I just hated her)


    In English I had a teacher that wanted to say prayer every day before we started class. I went to a parochial school so we were inundated with prayer all day so it wasn't a big deal. Until she made the fatal mistake of telling us that she wanted us to participate in the prayer by offering up the names of people we felt needed blessings. Well it was her first year teaching at my school and she didn't yet know that she had the misfortune of having six of the biggest ******** in her class (myself included) so we began with a little boundary testing. Before she finally stopped allowing us to give blessings we had given prayers for: Watchmakers, The Atomic clock, The STD research center, Sodomites, Genetic inferiors, Fornicators, Jenna Jameson, Inventors of dodge ball, For the school to see the light and stop allowing it's female students to wear pants, Ike Turner, Cement pourer's, Forced sterilization, For women to return to their rightful place...the home, Rubber makers, A plague to wipe away the sinful race of humanity, The undead, and many fake pregnancies and STD's, plague of locusts. This began the dangerous pattern of when people say 'let us pray' I just feel like smiling. I don't know it's just something about the silence of prayer time that lends itself to me wanting to giggle anyway. I guess this just didn't help.

  10. #10
    Staff Sergeant BluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forumsBluegrassBelle has a great deal of respect on the forums BluegrassBelle's Avatar
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    Re: Belle's public private diary

    I'm going out right now, I have a lot I need to say but not enough time to say it. :(

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